The Landslide Brought Me Down
by SparkleGleek
Summary: Aftermath of 2x15: Sexy. Brittana. Very dark Fic. See summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

**The Landslide Brought Me Down**

**Chapter 1: Reflections**

**A/N: Okay, Just a fair warning, this is a very dark fic. Very VERY dark. Read at your own risk.**

**Between what happened in 2x15: Sexy, and the spoilers that have been going around, this came into my head. I hope I'm wrong, but I had to get this fic out.**

**Santana's POV.**

S S S S S S

"Please...Tell me you love me, too. _Please._.."

The words cirlced around and around in my mind, while the rest of my existance came undone.

It had been her, it had always been her.

S S S S S S S S

I was seven years old, running down the street, no shoes, no jacket, in the pouring rain. I had to run away from it. It couldn't be real, it just _couldn't_ be.

Somehow, I found her house, through the tears, and the rain. I don't remember knocking on her door, I just remembered seeing her open it.

"San? What's wrong? Why don't you got no shoes on?"

"Britt... My daddy, he's...he's _gone._ He left us. Me and mommy have to move. Clear to the other side of town. She showed me the appart-apartment. It's so _little,_ Britt. And dirty, and stinky, and they have _dogs_, Britt! **_DOGS_**. Not cute little kitty cats like yours, big, mean, smelly, yucky _dogs_. What am I gonna do Britty? I can't move away and live next to stinking _dogs_!"

She cried with me, she hugged me, and held me, and I felt like _this_ was home.

S S S S S S S

When I was ten, and my mom got sick, _she was there_. She was _always_ there. No matter what happened, _she was there_.

When I was eleven, and my dad came back into the picture, she was there for that, too. She held me in my room, while they screamed at eachother. I would hide my face in her hair, and she would just hold me, and tell me "_It'll be okay. It'll be over soon."_

When I was twelve, and my dad won the custody battles, and I had to go stay with him every weekend, she always came with me. We'd hide in my room, and watch movies and cartoons, and try to ignore the sounds coming from my father's bedroom, when woman after woman dissapeared through the door to his room with him.

When we got into middle school, however, it was my turn to be there for her. People would tease her, as ruthless middle school children do, but once I got my hands on them, they_ never_ teased her again. It didn't take long for people to learn that if they did_** ANYTHING**_ to hurt _my_ Brittany, I would hurt _them._

It stayed like that, I protected her at school, she protected me at home.

S S S S S S

It's scary, when you're fourteen, and you start discovering your sexuality, when you start to have feelings you didn't have before. It's even more terrifying when those feelings are for your best friend, your_ female_ best friend.

My parents are very religious, despite the problems and shortcommings they had in their marriage. No matter which parent's house I was at, I would always hear the same things when the news came on. Disgusted mutterings about queers, about "aboinations," and things that "went against God," so when I started to feel...whatever it was I was feeling for my Brittany, it _scared the everliving hell out of me._

I couldn't be gay. I'd tell myself that over and over again, I couldn't be gay, I couldn't be gay. I had to be normal. I _couldn't_ be gay.

S S S S S

Then, that stupid party... We were almost fifteen at the time, and somehow ended up at the first **_"bad"_** party we'd ever been to. Lots of first were lost that night.

The first time I had ever tried alcahol.

The first time I had ever gotten drunk.

My first kiss.

My first experiences with sex.

All in one night.

Britt and I were well and hammered, and stummbled our way into an empty bedroom. She said _"San, I wonder what it would feel like to kiss somebody, like really kiss, when I'm all hot and warm and happy like this."_

So, I kissed her. She kissed me back. Then we kissed, and kissed... Exploring eachother. It wasn't long before we were exploring more than just eachother's mouthes.

It was mind-blowing. This was _my_ Britt._ My_ Britt, kissing _me. My_ Britt, touching _ me. My_ Britt's hands all over _me_.

It felt right. The voices in the back of my mind that would always whisper "you can't be gay, you can't be gay," had finally shut up for once.

One thing you need to know about me, is that if something happens I can't deal with, I run away from it. If I ran away from it, it just _didn't_ exist.

So that's what I did, the first time I saw her kissing a boy, two weeks later.

I ran.

I didn't stop running for years.

S S S S S S

I pretended to just fool around with her, whever we got bored, or didn't have any body else to fool around with. I pretended like it didn't matter, like it didn't make me feel the way it did. So many times, I'd have to hide my silent tears that would fall afterwords, when she was asleep.

I watched her bounce from guy to guy, clueless as to the effect that it had on me. I was so scared of dealing with my feelings for her, I never, not once, told her how I really felt about her. I just watched in silent agony as she'd throw herself around, like she didn't matter, at anything that would stand still long enough.

I finally locked my heart away, built up walls of bitchiness around me, and stopped letting myself get hurt. I got so good at pretending not to care, that I had even convinced myself.

I _tried_ to do what she did, I just never said no. Nobody_ really _cared about me, they just liked my body. Well, I had to be good at _something_, right? I only had two things I was good at: sex, and Cheerleading.

At least, until I joined Glee, that is.

I kept myself shut-off, no emotions. I kept my heart locked away, I kept walls up around me to protect me. I refused to feel anything, unless it was a desire for revenge.

Until I had actually watched her fall in love.

Then, I hurt so much I couldn't even make myself run anymore.

I just pulled back. I stopped calling her all the time, the texts stopped, I tried to avoid contact with her as much as I could.

I couldn't avoid her in Glee club, though. Every single day, I'd have to watch her smile and faun over Artie, that stupid, stupid Artie. I had to watch him sing love songs to her, smile at her, do stupid little tricks in his wheel-chair, with her in his lap, giggling.

I had to watch as _my_ Brittany became _his _Brittany.

I lashed out. I'm not proud to admit it, but that's how I dealt with it.

I went around sabbotaging as many people as I possibly could.

Hurting everybody in my path.

Picking fights, breaking up relationships.

I never wanted to be with Finn, I just didn't want to see Rachel happy.

I never wanted to be with Sam, I just didn't want to see Quinn happy.

I never could bring myself to mess with Brittany and Artie, though, after my one conversation with him about those damned duets.

That night, Brittany turned up on my doorstep, sobbing. Artie had broken up with her, she said. Artie refused to do a duet with her, she said. Artie, _Artie,_ **Artie.**

Well, _damn_.

S S S S S S

That brings us back to where I am now, hiding in a janitorial closet, having a breakdown.

_Artie._

**_Artie._**

Brittany wasn't _my_ Brittany anymore.

She was _Artie's_.

She _chose_ Artie.

She chose _him._

She loves him.

I'm the consolation prize, now.

If she ever does break up with Artie, then she'll decide she wants me?

I was so _stupid._

_So **so**_ stupid.

I exposed myself.

I knocked down those damned walls around me, and let that girl in.

I let her straight into my heart.

Hell, I ripped it out of my chest and _handed it to her on a silver platter._

I've lost _everything._

The only thing I've ever known was Brittany.

She was my _everything._

She was my _rock_.

She was my _best friend._

She was my true_ love_.

And she doesn't want _me._

She_ doesn'_t want_ me._

I'm a freak.

I'm dirty.

I'm nothing.

I should've listened to those voices in my head.

"You can't be gay. You can't be gay."

I was weak.

I gave into those feelings, and look where it's gotten me.

_I just want to stop hurting._

_I just want the pain to end._

_I just want to stop feeling._

Broken, shattered; an empty shell sitting in a janitorial closet.

_I just want to stop hurting._

_I just want the pain to end._

_I just want to stop feeling._

I don't realise my hands are searching around the dark closet, until I look down and see them. I have no control over them.

I just watch as the flit around the shelves, like somebody watching very large spiders, as they search for prey.

_I just want to stop hurting..._

How are my hands moving?

I'm not controlling them.

_I just want the pain to end..._

My hands have picked something up.

They've found whatever it was they were searching for.

What is it?

I can't think.

The pain of feeling myself shatter...

I can't think...

I realise what it is I'm holding, and all at once, I understand.

_I just want to stop feeling..._


	2. Chapter 2

**The Landslide Brought Me Down**

**Chapter 2: And Then I turned Around**

**A/N: Sorry to end that last chapter on such a clif-hanger. I thought it'd work better this way. The story won't always be so dark, it just will be for a few chapters. Also, Brittany's character is pretty OOC. I honestly don't have a clue how to write the actual Brittany's thoughts. The words that come out of her mouth are confusing enough as it is, so bear with me.**

**Also, when the doctor's start talking about what Santana did, it gets a little graphic. Read at your own risk.**

**But, please don't send me flames about how I do this. Santana's experience is based off real events that took place in my life.**

Brittany's POV

B B B B B

I wander my way down the hall, _where am I?_

I feel so lost.

My heart is aching.

It actually physically hurts.

_How_ did I get myself into this mess?

I don't want to hurt Santana! I don't want to hurt Artie! I can't be with one, without hurting the other.

I keep wandering, because it feels better than holding still.

I hear quite a commotion down the hall, voices reverberating off the walls, and I wander in that direction.

When I turn the corner, what I see nearly stops my heart.

_Santana._

On a stretcher.

This can't be happening.

What's going on?

What's going on?

No.

_No_.

**_No._**

This _can't_ be happening!

I run down the rest of the hallway, and stop at the first person I see.

I grab onto Ms. Pillsberry's arm, like it's my lifeline.

I open my mouth, but no words come out.

She knows.

Smart woman.

"The janitor found her in the closet. She hadn't been there long. They are taking her to St. Mark's."

"I-is s-she...?" I stutter out, but my voice dies before I can finish the question.

"No, she's still..."

Niether of us can say the word, it makes it all _too_ real.

B B B B B

I hate hospitals.

I've been scared of them my entire life.

The way they smell... They smell like sadness. You can smell the fear, the uncertainty, the tears...

I hate hospitals, and I_ always_ hate whatever reason I'm in one for.

I turn away from the Nurse's station, after once again getting the same answer "_Only family members are allowed to see her right now._"

I wander back down the unforgiving hallway, the white lenolium shining with reflections from the buzzing florecent lights above.

One light.

Two lights.

Three lights.

I count each one, as I step underneath.

Counting them gives me something to think about.

Something to focus on.

I lose count after three, and start over.

I finally reach the waiting room, where the other Glee member's are scattered.

Puck is sitting next to Lauren, his head on her shoulder.

She looks really white.

Maybe that's just the lighting.

Tina and Mike, curled up together in the same chair.

Rachel sitting on one side of Finn, Quinn sitting on the other.

Maybe they should just have a threesome and get it over with.

Emma is sitting with Mr. Schue, but both of them get to their feet when they see me.

I hold up a hand, and silence the questions I know they'll throw at me. This is the third time we've done this in the last hour.

"Still won't let anybody see her but her parents."

Wow.

My voice sounds dead.

Maybe that's because of the lights, too?

They all nod. They understand. In half an hour, we'll do this for a fourth time.

Artie is there. He's parked his chair next to an empty one, obviously meant for me. I ignore it, and start pacing again.

Just like I did the two times previous to this. I can't even look at him. I don't know why. I just resent that empty chair, sitting next to him. He's foolish to think I'd just sit, and let him comfort me.

No.

Not while My San...

I have yet to sit down. I just pace back and forth, looking at the clock on the wall every time I pass it.

Counting.

Counting the minutes.

Counting the seconds.

Counting every moment until I know what happened to her.

B B B B B

My body has gone completely numb.

Mr. Schue is half carrying me down the hall, towards her room.

Words the doctor mentioned still floating around my mind.

Words like "Self-harm," and "Depressed," words I don't quite understand, like "Treatment," and "InPatient Mental Health Facility,"

I know what the words mean, but I _can't_ make my brain understand _why_ the doctor is using them in reference to Santana.

None of this feels real.

Maybe it's all just a bad dream.

If I ask Mr. Schue to pinch me, would it make me wake up from this horrible nightmare?

I'm standing in front of a door now, it's plain, appart from a silver numberplate on it, reading 217.

2 17?

That was the day we first kissed.

Feburary 17th, all those years ago.

Random thoughts like this are bouncing around my mind. Like angry hornets trapped in one of those plastic cone traps.

Buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, never stopping until _somebody_ notices them.

I can't, though. I can't focus on anything that will hurt. My mind is trying to protect itself. Protect itself from the venomous sting.

I see Mr. Shue reach for the door handle, and swings it slowly open.

The first thing I notice about the room, is that you can smell the fear, the tears, and the sadness in here too.

My stomach feels like it's been filled with ice.

B B B B B

"I_ don't_ know why, Britt-britt."

I look up at her face, it's so very very pale.

I know it's not the light's doing this time.

I feel another ice cube slip into my stomach at the thought.

"Is it because of me...?"

**_Why_**! _why did I have to ask that!_

I watch her eyes, and hear her say "No," but I don't even have to hear the words she's saying to know it's a lie.

I'm the _only_ person that knows this, but San blinks a LOT when she's lying.

I watch her eyelids flutter quickly, as she looks down at her arms.

I look down too, though it makes me feel like a whole bucket of ice is being dumped into my stomach this time.

We both look down at the bandages wrapping her arms, from shoulder to fingertip.

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying not to cry.

**_This is my fault._**

I stare down at her arms, but I start to listen intently.

The doctor is talking to Mr. Schue, and Santana's mother.

"- scissors. Sharp ones. Quite a few stitches. The cuts were curiously shapped..."

"What do you mean? How can cuts be _curiously shapped?_" Mrs. Lopez asks.

"Well, the easiest way for me to explain it is... she cut letters into her arm."

"You mean, like a word?" she asks.

"Yes..." The doctor looks over at Santana, unsure if he should go on.

I see her close her eyes, and starts to cry.

She finishes the doctor's sentance.

"It says 'Brittany' on each arm."

I watch her, she doesn't blink this time.

I lose all feeling in my body, and and the room starts to spin.

Then it goes dark, and I'm falling...falling..._falling_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Landslide Brought Me Down**

**Chapter 3: Mirror in the sky**

**A/N: Sorry if the end of the last chapter was too graphic. It was easier for me to write Brittany OOC, because I could go on personal expierience. I knew somebody that did what Santana did, exactly the way she did it. They just cut a different name. I'm sorry if that was too graphic, or triggering. But it was hard for me to relive it, too.**

**Song is Iridescent, by Linkin Park.**

**This chapter will be better! I promise! Also, has little bits of Klaine, but not much.**

**And, I'm sorry this is such a short chapter.**

**Also, this chapter takes place two months in the future from when the last one ended.**

S S S S S

Santana's POV

S S S S S

I take a deep breath, and tug the cuff of my long sleeve a little further down my hand.

_Breathe_, I tell myself.

_You can do this._

You can do this.

_Be brave_.

They won't still be talking about you.

Suddenly, a familiar hand reaches down and takes mine. I look over, Brittany is there, smiling her encouraging smile at me.

Protecting me, as always.

I nod, and say "I'm ready."

She nods, and pulls open the front doors to McKinley High School.

S S S S S

I barely have time to cross the threshold of the Glee room, before I'm practically tackled, as long and lanky arms pull me into a hug.

"Kurt! What the _hell?_"

He lets go of me, stands back, fixes his hair, and smiles his diva smile at me.

"Hey, San."

"First off, _only _Brittany calls me San. Second, what the _hell _you doin' here!"

"Well, after we heard... We uh... Well, me and Blaine... Um... I transfered back to McKinley, after Regionals. Blaine came with me."

He's like a puppy, when he gets flustered like that.

"Well, good. Other than 'Cedes, you're the only one in here that has as much 'tude as I do. And I _kinda_ missed you. Porcelain. Oh, Just so you know... I have video evidence of your Cheerio days, and should the need arise, I'm not afraid to show them to your_ boyfriend._"

Oh, the look on his face is SO priceless. He hides his face in his hands as Blaine whispers "What's a 'Cheerio'?"

Everybody takes turns greeting me, hugging me. Even Artie, which is shocking.

"Good to have you back, San."

I glared at him.

"_ONLY_ Brittany gets to call me San."

He just rolled back over to the seats.

After everybody sits back down, I turn to Mr. Schue.

"Mr. Schue? Is it okay if I do a song...?"

He nods, and gestures that I have the floor. I hand Brand the music, clear my throat, and close my eyes as the intro starts.

Brittanay never leaves my side.

I'm grateful.

**_"You were standing in the wake of devastation,_**  
**_You were waiting on the edge of the unknown,_**  
**_With the cataclysms raining down,_**  
**_Insides crying 'Save Me Now'_**  
**_You were there, Impossibly alone._**

**_Do you feel cold,_**  
**_And lost in desperation?_**  
**_You build up hope,_**  
**_But failure's all you've known?_**

**_Remember all the sadness and frustration,_**

**_AND LET IT GO._**

**_Let it go._**

**_And in a burst of light That blinded every Angel As if the sky had blown The heavens into stars_**

**_You felt the gravity of Tempured grace Falling into empty space No one there to catch you In their arms._**

**_Do You feel cold,_**  
**_And lost in desperation?_**  
**_You build up hope,_**  
**_But failure's all you've known?_**

**_Remember all the sadness and frustration,_**

**_AND LET IT GO._**

**_Let it go._**

**_Let it go._**

**_Let it go._**

**_Let it go._**

**_LET IT GO._**

I felt the tears trickling down my face, but I ignored them.

I sang my heart out.

I wanted them to understand.

I had been in such a bad place before, but I was better. I had let go of the sadness, the frustration, the cold desperation, being lost, being afraid of who I was... all of it.

I was coming back to McKinley an entirely new person.

I _needed_ them to understand. The only way I knew how to make them understand was with this song. With every word, every note, I hoped they would understand.

I held tightly on to Brittany's hand, but I didn't open my eyes once until I had belted out the last note.

When I did, I looked around at all the shocked faces.

Nearly everyone was crying, Puck was muttering about his allergies acting up.

After two seconds of dead silence, the room erupted in noise.

Cheers, applause, and Rachel's distinct voice saying "Couldn't have sung it better myself. Go San."

I glowered at her.

"_NOBODY_ calls me San, but Brittany!"

And that just made everyone laugh through the applause.

Then the single most shocking thing happened.

Brittany, sweet, _innocent_ Brittany glowered at her too.

"Only_ I_ get to call her San,_ Berry_." she growled at Rachel.

The room fell silent instantaneously.

Then, she turned to me, and kissed me full on the lips.

"She's_ MY_ San."


End file.
